The Attempts to Silence Me

Official looking letters through my letterbox make me incredibly anxious and I struggle to open them. I have PTSD after my daughter was targeted online and sexually exploited. The shocking thing is, the majority of my ongoing anxiety is as a result of how I was treated by the police and social care when I asked for their help.

It’s a horrible feeling to know that an adult has hurt your child and I think most parents would agree that they’d be upset or angry and would want it to stop. I expected services to recognise that a crime was being committed against my daughter, protect her and do all they could to prosecute any adults involved. I think these are reasonable expectations of a responsible parent.

I was met with such resistance. The police wouldn’t investigate and a head of a child protection meeting said, ‘we never help these girls, because they always go back to these men.’ It was like they just didn’t want to act. The more I tried to get police and social care to act, the more I was seen as a problem. I was crying and shaking in a meeting because I was so frustrated and heartbroken and rather than recognising the trauma that I was experiencing, professionals treated me as if I was pathological. Services need to understand that parents are going to be emotional about their children being hurt, this is an understandable reaction.

When services couldn’t make me compliant, they looked to discredit me so that they could give a reason as to why they took absolutely no action. I felt as if all the services were telling me, ‘Shush, let’s pretend it isn’t happening’. When I refused to be silent, I felt as if agencies ganged up against me; there were these big institutions of social care and the police all working against, rather than with me. They wrote the most terrible reports, full of inaccuracies. It’s really tough when you feel as if a stranger has brought danger and abuse into your child’s life and then the services are joining together to crack you.

There was a police officer who tried to build a relationship with my daughter by saying I know how to get your mum off your back. I felt so utterly alone and under threat. How tragic a response it was to what was already a tragic situation. I didn’t break down but my nervous system was shot and I still live with that.

I still have grief for what I went through, how my other children were affected and for what my daughter’s life could have been if the police had tried to disrupt the offender’s contact with her. Her relationship with the perpetrator continues and my excitement for grandchildren is replaced with fear. We constantly watch for signs of harm to her. We still can’t rest because she was pushed into his arms instead of protected from him.  I just wanted services to listen and support us.

Part of my journey to rebuild our lives was that I moved area. I had absolutely no trust in the services in my local area, in fact, I was threatened by them. I needed to find a safe place.

When I was put under such pressure and still stood by the truth, I knew I had to keep surviving. Having values and boundaries are important to me, it’s part of who I am. I learnt that people can and will say what they want, but it doesn’t make them true. I learnt how to stay true to myself. I had to develop a fierce self-compassion and draw on every internal resource I had to keep going. I drew on the resources at the Ivison trust who were the only understanding provision available.

Despite everything that happened, I still have contact with my daughter, I had strategies to engage her and our relationship remains. I’ve had friends and support since, who have helped me to feel validated.

Part of me rebuilding my life has been to see the goodness, because after what happened I had no faith in goodness. I was hopeless. I still struggle with hopelessness and try to pull myself away from it as best I can.

It’s helpful to write this. To acknowledge what happened.

If I could make any changes to how families are dealt with, I’d like professionals to look at a child, really look deeply and ask themselves ‘is this child safe?’ If they aren’t then they have to carry out their jobs and act.

In rebuilding my life, I provide support to others experiencing difficulties and challenges. I listen and I bring care and kindness which wasn’t brought to me.

Kindness matters.