I Believe You: Reflections on Trauma, Recovery and Validation

I’m involved in a lot of projects at Ivison Trust and when I meet with other parents whose children were exploited, I tend to be quieter, because I understand their pain, but also because my own child who is now a young adult, has been able to get free from the organised crime group and is rebuilding his life so amazingly. I’m so very proud of him. He’s still so young and he’s come so far and some days I’m bursting with happiness. I can’t celebrate everything he’s doing with other parents though, because many aren’t so lucky. It would feel unkind to do so. I can’t celebrate outside of this group either, because there’s such little understanding of what children go through with criminal exploitation that nobody would really understand the courage it’s taken for my son to overcome the level of violence, death threats and find his way to doing something as positive as he is.

At the same time, I’m very aware of the fragility of his success though, that it only takes one misstep, such as a relationship break up, a job disappointment, bumping into someone from the organised crime group or simply anyone from that world for us to return to the danger zone. The thought of this terrifies me, because I think if we returned to that hell, it would break me this time. I’m doing my best to live in the moment and focus on the present and appreciate what’s going well, instead of dwelling on what I’m frightened of.

Despite the situation having turned around for us, what happened during that time has impacted us both and it’s something that we are still trying to work through and process.

At the time my son was so young, just a little boy, and yet the adults responsible for safeguarding were so blaming towards him. I picked up early on that something was going wrong for him and as a parent I thought the best thing you can do is trust the services and seek help, but I faced denial and my concerns were dismissed. They painted my son as a ‘mummy’s boy’ and me as overprotective. I think that’s what I find hard, not just that the services- school, social care, the police- ignored us, but that they ridiculed us in cruel ways.

It was like services were trying to break our bond when my child really needed everyone to have his back. I still feel anger and grief that I didn’t stand up for myself more, because of the fear that the agencies would take it out on my child.

I want to say to professionals if you find yourself blaming a child, or a family, please stop and think about the responsibility you have and what you could do to make a difference and a contribution to the family- in a positive way.

This has left a long-lasting effect on me and my family. I use my experiences to train professionals, and I still expect doubt and ridicule every time. The feeling of being belittled and your reality denied cuts deep. I think I have this need to hear, ‘I believe you’ and for me to really feel that I’m believed, in other words to be able to say, ‘I believe that you believe me.’ In the midst of terrible things happening, I can’t emphasise enough how important this is.

In thinking about what healing looks like, my son and I are both talking about what happened to try and change things. My son says it is helping him to process everything that happened. When my son was being exploited there were days, it was so tough and I would say, something good will come from this and maybe this is it. No matter how difficult those times were, they are behind us now. We use our experiences to initiate meaningful conversations and actively contribute to making safeguarding agencies safer and more supportive for children and their families.

I’m aware though that I have Ivison Trust around me, to check on me, to debrief me, to look out for my wellbeing and my son, who is still so young doesn’t have that. I’ve learnt about how to debrief, consider my boundaries and well-being after an event, but it’s me doing that for my son.

When my son is talking at events, sometimes there are agencies who are very grateful, kind and there are others who aren’t necessarily considering his wellbeing, what it means to be trauma informed or have those discussions to check in about what feels right for people speaking from lived experience.

When I think about how agencies intervened, I have sadness and anger. I was the kind of person who believed in being calm & polite and now I think there are times to argue and stand up for what is right, but it can be difficult to do that when you know that anything you do can have an impact on your child.

I think about what better could look like – A child-centred approach in which all professionals work collaboratively with parents, carers and the wider community. At every stage, they should regularly ask themselves: Are we providing this young person with hope and meaningful opportunities? Above all, does the young person feel safe and that they truly matter?

My son was told by professionals that he would amount to nothing and that he was a bad person. We continue our journey together sharing a different story.