Hear Me

So, here I am happily married, a professional 50 something with children and I find myself in situations I never dreamed I’d be in. Driving round dodgy areas of strange locations at 2am, searching for my child. I consider myself lucky, I always found him.

Why was I finding myself in these situations? Because my child was being criminally exploited.

Until this happened, I was one of the “that’ll never happen to me” brigade.

We asked for professional help and support as soon as we became suspicious about what was going on. We’d never been afraid to ask for professional help before so it seemed like the right thing to do.

I’m not sure what we expected from Social Services particularly but we weren’t prepared for what we did and didn’t get. As soon as we mentioned criminal exploitation, it was implied this was happening due to our lack of good parenting. We had reasonable boundaries so we thought: having to be home by 9pm, coming off all tech by 10pm the usual things. We were told maybe we should be more flexible? Prevent any arguments and things would be better? We felt as if our parenting was questioned and we were stripped of any parental powers. It left us feeling we’d failed big time. We were even told we were being dramatic and it wasn’t exploitation. As parents we had recognised the indicators, the change in our child, but our knowledge and insight were questioned in a way that made us doubt ourselves. We lost confidence and felt even more powerless. When this is the response it could make a person just stop engaging with services because it leaves you feeling broken and worse at a time when the situation is already difficult.

Looking back this was due to a lack of knowledge on their part. It was the same with friends, our friendship circle has certainly got smaller but stronger than ever. Its quality over quantity for sure. It can lead to feeling isolated though and there are many losses.

It was using every ounce of our strength to keep the rest of our family safe and keep the normal routines with a smile on our faces. We were determined it wouldn’t impact our marriage or our children’s lives. But we were desperate for the right support and didn’t know where to get it from.

The Game Changer

Then out of the blue, our social worker mentioned Ivison Trust – why this hadn’t been mentioned sooner I’ll never know, again possibly a lack of knowledge.

The relief of having someone on our side was immense, a relief and finally we were validated and valued as parents and human beings.

Our PLO came to professional meetings with us, spoke up for us when she felt things were unfair and fought for us. I’m not sure we’d even be here without her. Finally, we were heard and validated, without being told we were being dramatic and this gave me such confidence to keep going.

Looking back, we needed support earlier. I’m not sure exploitation is recognised early enough and the expectation is its serious straight away when actually it starts very gently and builds up.

Intervention and being believed earlier would’ve helped enormously, I’m sure and could have prevented much of the harm to our child and family. There needs to be more training in schools and social services to help professionals understand and recognise the signs, listen to parents and think about what families need in this crisis. I’ve lost count of how many meetings I’ve said the phrase “I know my child better than anyone else in this room” and I did. I wish professionals could understand this. There is a need for whole family support so bonds are kept tight and relationships that are strained because of exploitation are rebuilt. Siblings need support, even when they’re too young to understand what’s going on, they can certainly sense a shift in things in the home.

We were fortunate in being able to take our children out of school and on holiday to give us all a break. Looking back bizarrely it was one of the best times we had as a whole family together, except for the reality of having to come home and our child being targeted again. I feel for parents who can’t afford this.

The long-term impact has been immense. Some things positively, I no longer sweat the small stuff! I feel more equipped emotionally to fight for my children and their needs. I’m less afraid to use my voice and shout loudly if we’re not getting the right support or outcome! I am still in touch with our Parent Liaison Officer which is lovely and still a huge support.

Sadly, I’m sure my husband and I have some form of PTSD. Living with the fear and anxiety, threat and risks of child criminal exploitation takes a toll on the nervous system. We still get very jumpy in the night if we hear a noise or the dog barks and we still worry our children are open to exploitation, but I feel confident we would know where and where not to go for support.

Primary and Secondary Schools, and other professionals need educating around exploitation and early intervention. The most basic thing here is for them to listen to parents and the child and validate what they’re saying and be there. There is no worse feeling than not being believed and criticised for decisions you make as a parent; this is when we were at our lowest, I think. I would love to see Ivison Trust branding in schools, GP surgeries, children’s centres and libraries to name a few.

All in all, were very lucky, my child is alive, relationships are being rebuilt and we are stronger than ever as a family.