When shame arrives, we can feel it in our bodies, a drooping of the shoulders, a curling inward and in that movement we lower our eyes and disconnect from those around us. We tend to stand alone, isolated in shame.
During my time as a parent support worker and as a parent participation coordinator I have heard over many years, parents talking about the shame and blame they have carried and that their children have carried. I have heard so often families experience of feeling blamed by the very services that they turn to for support and care when the worst things happen and they are vulnerable and in various degrees of crisis. It can be in that moment of confusion, fear and vulnerability that the witnesses response (the police, or social worker or teacher) and the attitudes and statements uttered get right under the skin, straight to the nerves and can be difficult to dislodge once rooted.
I think often of the animation, ‘Toward Hope’, created by parent participants some years ago and the encouragement for services to choose, ‘Compassion and courage, not blame and shame.’
I have witnessed the power of parent support days, peer support spaces and the way that this lowers the sense of isolation. Also, I think that by witnessing others carrying blame and shame that isn’t theirs to carry, and having compassion, it can start the journey of compassion to self.
Parent participation is a space where parents share ideas, insights and goals to make a difference and it is in this spirit that I’m reaching out to ask you if you want to share what has helped you in your unshaming and your healing? Whether you have a little to say, or a lot, your words matter and can help others.
If you’d like to share your reflections on what has helped you, or wish to say something to others feeling the burden, you can email nancy.pike@ivisontrust.org.uk
Nancy Pike, Parent Participation Coordinator