A Wolf with Patience

If I’m completely honest the signs were there from a young age that our daughter wasn’t like her peers. Yet, she excelled in so much that it never occurred to us that she could be neurodiverse. Our daughter could concentrate well, wasn’t disruptive and is incredibly talented at just about everything that involves any form of creativity. Her teachers praised her abilities and regularly told us that she is gifted.

When puberty arrived, followed by a close family member passing away, our daughter showed some signs of distress. We found out that she had started to self-harm. We were mortified and desperate to help. Her friends didn’t seem to stay around very long and before long she had begun to skip school amongst other things, which also included shop lifting, much to our horror. I felt as if some of her sexual behaviour involved risks which worried me. She had started to withdraw, spending a lot of time in her bedroom. The initial signs of sexual exploitation can be difficult to differentiate from typical teenage rebellion however we were incredibly concerned about the change in her. We spoke to the school and to doctors who arranged counselling.

She changed schools, and started to tell ‘stories’ that weren’t true from our perspective. We felt like we couldn’t trust her anymore and started to doubt anything she told us as very often we’d find out it just wasn’t true. We felt as if our daughter enjoyed the professionals coming into our life, but couldn’t really connect with them. We felt as if she’d get bored of a particular counsellor and say she felt better and then something else would happen and she’d be rereferred again. We seemed to find ourselves stuck in revolving doors with professionals saying that they had ruled out neuro diversity despite her behaviour becoming increasingly concerning. Her grades continued to be good despite her lack of effort, which masked much of what was really going on.

What we weren’t aware of during this time, was that a 24-year-old teaching assistant was grooming her from behind a screen. Covertly watching and waiting until she was of the age of consent like a wolf with patience. And just like a wolf prays on the most vulnerable, our daughter’s unacknowledged neuro diversity, her bereavement and loss and her lack of friendships made her a prime target. Still at school she’d started to run away, we immediately contacted the police who found her in bed with him. She was bought home several times however we found out that whilst she was still a child in the eyes of the Law the authorities didn’t seem to want to get involved. On one occasion she was at her school Prom where he took her off the premises for a few hours and whilst this raised many serious safeguarding issues, it resulted in no action against him.

We now realised that children between the age of 16-18 fall within a grey area, loopholes in the Law prevented any action against this man due to her being at a different school to where he worked. We were repeatedly told that there was nothing that could be done. We felt passed around like a hot potato. We battled to get someone to help and as she’d been moved from one county to another it was almost impossible. She was refusing any contact with her family and had made up all kinds of stories about us to prevent her being returned home.

Grief stricken and heartbroken I did everything I possibly could to champion change. I constantly questioned how this could be right or was even within the law? I contacted lots of people for help including school, college, social services, the police, I completed Clare’s and Sarah’s Law. I even knocked on the door where she now lived with him. I contacted my MP. Eventually the home office gave a conclusive decision that our daughter has been sexually exploited and trafficked.

The unimaginable had happened right under our noses although alarmingly there was still no action, no arrests or anything more that we could do to keep her safe. She fell into the danger zone of being 16-18 years of age and being able to ‘consent’. This appeared to surpass any of the Laws deigned to keep her safe including those which considered her history of poor mental health. More recently, college have shared that they suspected our daughter could be autistic however as parents we are powerless to step in, again due to her age.

I’d discussed the content of the disturbing ‘love bombing’ messages with multiple agencies however it was Ivison Trust who helped us understand the grooming process which in our daughters’ case had involved something called ‘trauma bonding’. This was a term I’d never heard of before however it had shed so much light on why our daughter felt the way she did.

We’ve come to realise that nothing we said or did in a bid to keep her safe would have changed what has happened. This was never about bad parenting. This was completely out of our control. This was about that fact that we know this man had knocked on multiple young girls’ doors in the past and our daughter was the child that opened the door ‘to help him with his mental health’. This was about, when this man took a job in a school and agreed not to enter into a relationship with anyone under 18.

Hopefully this article will stress the importance of staying that little bit closer to children who fall into what I refer to now as the ‘danger zone’ age 16-18. This is a time where many of us have done most of the hard work, the nappies seem like a distant memory, and we look forward to watching our children make the transition from young people to adulthood albeit usually with a few grunts along the way. We seem to give that extra bit of responsibility and trust as part of that process however always remember our son’s and daughter can’t spot wolves as well as adults particularly when they are wearing the disguise of a position of trust.